How to Win Friends and Influence People summary

Principles

• Fundamental techniques in dealing with people
• Don't criticize, condemn or complain. This makes them defensive and justifies their actions. Instead, praising them lowers their defense and they will be more receptive to your feedback.
• give honest and sincere appreciation
• arouse in the other person an eager want.
• become genuinely interested in other people
• i.e.: remember other people's birthdays
• send linkedin messages of congratulations when someone in your network gets a promotion or professional success
• coordinate office parties for personal celebrations such as births, accomplishments or birthdays.
• people crave the feeling of importance. "What is there about him that I can honestly admire?"
• appeal to the other person's interests. Virtually all people care more about what they want than what you want
• keep asking yourself - "what is it that this person wants?"
• everyone has something they can teach you, and you benefit by figuring out what that is. This belief leads to genuine interest and appreciation for other people.
• angry people are often angry because they feel unheard. Once you sympathize with them, they will soften their anger substantially.
• approach people with a positive demeanor. Smile and be happy.
• a person's name is the most important word in any language to them. Use it often and respect it.
• be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Ask questions that they will enjoy answering
• To influence to do things, praise and appreciation are more effective than orders.
• talk in terms of the other person's interests.
• smile
• make the other person feel important and do it sincerely
• begin in a friendly way
• let the other person do a great deal of the talking
• dramatize your ideas. Sometimes ideas are not enough, and the truth must be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Television has been doing it for years.
• throw down a challenge. the thing that most motivates people is the game. Everyone desires to excel and prove their worth. If we want someone to do something, we must give them a challenge and they will often rise to meet it.
• start with questions to which the other person will answer yes. Do not begin by emphasizing the aspects in which we and the other person differ. Begin by emphasizing and continue emphasizing the things on which we agree. People must be started in the affirmative direction and they will often follow readily. Never tell someone they are wrong, but rather lead them where we would like them to go with questions that they will answer "yes" to.
• appeal to nobler motives. Everyone likes to be glorious in their own eyes. People believe that they do things for noble and morally upright reasons. If we can appeal to others' noble motives we can successfully convince them to follow our ideas.
• making people glad to do what you want. encourage people to think about everyone else's perspective, have high expectations, and help people get what they want. being good with people is about making people feel good/important and being interested in them.
• guidelines to change attitudes and behavior of others
• Do not promise anything that you can not deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
• ask yourself what is it the other person really wants to
• consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
• match those benefits to the other person's wants
• when you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

How to approach arguments

• instead, approach with an open-minded view: "I may be wrong, I often am. And if I'm wrong, I want to change and be right. Let's discuss the facts."
• praise the other person for a trait that will help resolve the argument - like their patience, open-mindedness, fairness, and receptivity to new facts.
• understand that the other person has a valid view of the situation. Your job is to understand what led them to believe what they believe.
• express sympathy for their situation. "You have the absolute right to be upset. If I were in your shoes, I would be too"
• listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk through. Do NOT interrupt as they're speaking.
• show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong".
• ask people where they feel the problems are. Ask for their opinions on how best to proceed. Ask lots of questions instead of stating commands.
• the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• look for areas of agreement. Try to build bridges of understanding. Talk about common goals, and what you agree on.
• let the other person feel that the idea is his or her.
• emphasize how your position serves the other person's interests and incentives.
• if you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
• the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• anyone who takes time to disagree with you is interested in the same things as you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you.
• poop sandwich method
• bread: sincere appreciation
• poop: bad news
• bread: a compliment.
• how to keep a disagreement from being an argument
• welcome the disagreement
• distrust your first instinctive impression
• control your thoughts/temper. You can measure a person by what makes him/her angry. Little people get angry over little things. Big people are undisturbed and keep cool
• listen first
• look for areas of agreement
• thanks your opponents sincerely for their interest
• postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

How to give feedback

• begin with praise and honest appreciation, be specific.
• introduce the point of improvement
• talk about your own related mistakes
• call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
• ask questions instead of giving orders
• give the person a fine reputation to live up to. Act as though the trait were already one of his/her outstanding characteristics.
• let the other people save face.
• be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise".
• be specific with your compliments and don't give everyone the same compliments.
• make the fault seem easy to correct.
• frame the improvement in terms of the person's own interests.

Quotes

"Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. ... Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving"

"A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men"

"When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity."

"The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it"

"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

"Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be"

"We're not logical, we're emotional, motivated by pride and vanity"

"There's magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: 'Imay be wrong, I frequently am. Let's examine the facts.'"

"Rather than condemn others, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do"

"We all want to be appreciated"

"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people. The greatest asset I possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement"

"Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours."

"A drop of honey can catch more flies than a gallon of gall"

References

https://fs.blog/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/

https://www.samuelthomasdavies.com/book-summaries/self-help/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/